I first set this blog up to simply record my third pregnancy and my children's childhood, a sort of online journal really. I wanted something I could look back on in years to come, somewhere my children could look back on and see how loved they were and the adventures we had together. I had no idea that bloggers were paid to write content, that brands sent bloggers things to review and I had no idea how blogging really worked. I just decided on a whim one day to start a blog, which if I am honest looked pretty terrible back them. I did not care though as I simply blogged for me, I never in a million years thought anyone would read about my family life as quiet frankly I am pretty boring if the truth be told.
People did start reading my blog though and after a while brands started offering me things to review and then I started earning money off my blog too. I thought this was great and never expected any of this to happen when I first started blogging. I began to think maybe I could turn my blog into a part time job so that I did not have to return to work after my maternity leave, as lets face it that is most parents dream job.
Behind the scenes though all was not so great as a few months after starting my blog I had my son and from the get go he was hard work, like really hard work he screamed non stop for the first five months of his life and woke every hour during the night. I also had a 14 month old to look after who still needed lots of attention and an 11 year old who was just starting secondary school and was a typical tween with an attitude. The other half was working long shifts and we have no family at all to help us out, it is just us looking after the children 24/7 the best we can.
It all got to much and I was exhausted, emotional and really struggled to cope. Don't get me wrong the children were well looked after and cared for but the house became a mess, I became a mess and I stopped going out on my own as it was just to stressful trying to go anywhere with a toddler and a baby who screamed nonstop. Some days I would not get dressed or brush my hair as I just did not have time, I sometimes went days without a shower and my make up case was gathering dust. I felt like a shell of my former self, I was suffering from PND but I didn't want to admit to it as I had no option but to just get on with things.
The only thing that kept me sane whilst I spent endless days stuck indoors was this little blog of mine, I felt less lonely and made friends with some fantastic bloggers who I would now class as proper friends. However as things got more difficult at home I posted less and less posts about are family life and adventures, I found it hard to write about the things I wanted as I found it hard to say how I was truly feeling. I also became really anxious that if I posted photos of my children online they would get stolen or fall into the wrong hands, so I rarely posted photos of us. I know now that is highly unlikely as their is so many photos on the Internet, why would someone want mine when my photography skills need great improvement.
So I stopped posting personal posts, I stopped posting photos and I spent less and less time on social media, as well I kind of stopped feeling social. Over the last year my blog has became full of reviews and sponsored posts and really impersonal posts with boring photos and that is not how I want this blog to be, blogs are meant to personal that is the beauty of them and what keeps people reading. If I was reader I honestly probably would not read most of my posts.
Over the last few months life has changed for me, I no longer feel as down as I use to as I am eventually starting to feel like me again. Jacob is actually starting to sleep and be less demanding which is probably helping greatly and I feel like the dark clouds are lifting. I want to go out and do stuff once again and no longer hide away at home. I am slowly starting to take more of an effort with my appearance again and I no longer cry in despair every single day. I feel happy and content for the first time in a long time and excited for the future.
Late last year my blog had a makeover from the amazing Ellie illustrates, as I use to cringe at how rubbish my blog looked before. I now love my blog design but the content is lacking and I am now ready to change things, to make this blog something I am proud of, as I rarely tell people about it and I rarely promote my posts on social media as I am not proud of them. I have decided that I will grab the chance this blog has given me with both hands, I am going to work hard to continue to make a part time income from my blog so I can be here for my children before returning to work when they start school. I also want to build on the relationships that I have made with other bloggers, as without this blog and them I probably would have crumbled and felt worse then I did, I kind of feel like this blog has kept me sane and I will forever be grateful for that.
To do that I have to be happy with my blog and I have to love my blog and this got me thinking that back when I started this blog, when it looked a mess and no one at all read it I was so happy with it. The reason I was happy with it was because I wrote for me, I wrote what I wanted to and I wrote about my life. So starting from now this blog will have less reviews, less sponsored content and more posts about are family life. I am going to be posting more days out, activities with my toddlers, parenting posts and personal posts. I am also in the middle of planning a new feature on my blog featuring other bloggers family lives, keep an eye out for more details of that in the next few days. I have fallen back in love with blogging again and I hope that this starts to show in my posts and that you will join me on my journey as I rediscover my love of writing and having adventures with my family here in Newcastle.