I love being a mum I really do, I know this sounds really cheesy but sometimes it feels like being a mum is what I was meant to do in life. My children are my whole world and I love them so much and I adore having a big family and a house filled with noise and laughter. Everything I do in life is for my children, I want to give them a good life and do the best for them. I want them to have the childhood that I had with foreign holidays and trips to Florida with parents who make them feel safe, secure, loved and happy.
But I hold my hands up and admit that being a parent is hard, it is really hard. When I had my oldest I was so young at only 18 but I lived with my mum who helped me enormously. My mum taught me how to be a mum and she also looked after me, even when I moved into my own home she would do all my housework and help me with Chloe.
When she died I had to stand on my own two feet and do things for myself but I managed and it was me and Chloe against the world, Chloe was like my best friend and we did everything together. Life was one big adventure just me and my girl and we had so much fun and so many adventures. Sure parenting was hard at times as a single parent I never had days off or sick days but I managed fine as it was just one little girl and me and I could devote myself entirely to her.
Ten years passed and I thought I had the whole parenting thing sussed out, I enjoyed it and loved being a mum. As Chloe grew she started getting independent and did not need me as much. Then we had Sophia and it was a huge shock to the system having a baby after such a big age gap, going back to sleepless nights was torture at first but I soon got into the swing of things and was lucky Sophia was such a good baby.
Being a mum of two was a bit more challenging as I had two girls who relied on me and wanted my attention. But I managed fine as when Chloe was at school I would spend time with Sophia we would go to so many baby groups and classes and then after school and weekends I would spend time with Chloe while Sophia spent time with her daddy. We found a way that worked for us and we were managing fine as a family of four.
When Sophia was just five months old I fell pregnant with baby number three and we were overjoyed, when Jacob came into are lives a year ago he completed are family. We love him so much we really do and I would not change him for the world, but having three children is so hard. Everyday it feels like a constant juggling act, I am on the go from the moment I wake up until the children go to bed. The house feels like it is always a mess as I never have time to tidy or if I do a little person comes along and makes it messy again.
I never get two minutes peace to have a cuppa or do anything as there is always a child around wanting attention. When Chloe is at school I have the two little ones with me, when Jacob is napping Sophia will be awake wanting attention then when the little two are in bed Chloe will want my attention and housework needs doing. I never get two minutes to myself, some days I don't even get the chance to have a shower or brush my hair I am that busy. I feel like I am being pulled in three different directions at once and as for time with the other half, forget that it never happens as we never have anyone to watch the children and are relationship is suffering from it.
The thing I struggle the most with is not the mess or the lack of time to myself. No it is that I never get much one on one time with each child. Everyday I feel guilty that I don't spend much time with Chloe as I am always busy with her younger siblings, we rarely have days out and adventures just me and her anymore and we no longer have that special bond we once shared, that breaks my heart.
I can't remember the last time I got to spend time just me and Sophia going out somewhere and getting to enjoy her and watch her discover the world. And I can count on one hand the number of times I have spent alone with Jacob since he was born. I feel like I have been too busy juggling all three children that I have missed out on all of Jacobs first year, that I have not enjoyed it as much as I should have done and now the baby days are almost over as my baby is now one.
I hope my children know that they are loved, I hope that they know I wish I could spend more time with them on their own and I hope they know that I am sorry I shout too often and cry when things get tough. Yes being a mum of three is hard work and very challenging at times and it has almost broke me on more then one occasion, but I would never change it as when I see my children together and see the love they have for one another, my heart melts. And I know that when the little two grow that things will get easier and I will get more time with them on their own.
But for now I am going to try and enjoy the chaos and mess and lack of time to myself as I know that in a few years I will miss these days and look back on them fondly and wish I could relive them again. Being a mum of three is hard but I would not have it any other way, although a cleaner and a day off mum duties once in a while would be nice.
If you have three or more children how do you manage ? I would love to know as I am forever feeling guilty and like I am not giving my children enough undivided attention.