Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Ten Years Without A Mum

The 12th of May 2005 is a day that i will never forget, it was the day my life as i knew it changed forever. The 14th of May 2005 was the day my world was turned upside down.

 I can not believe that ten years have passed as i remember every little detail like it was yesterday. What started as a normal day ended up being the worst day of my life. I don't really talk about this but my mum, my best friend had an accident and she never woke up. I did not know how serious it was, i thought she would be ok. Myself and my brother went to hospital and we were told she had suffered catastrophic brain injury's and there was nothing they could do, it was just the machines keeping her alive and the kindest thing to do would be to let her go. She was only 44, no age to die. 

Two day's later after lots of tests we had to decide what to do, turn off the machines or donate her organs my parents were divorced so it was up to us to decide. We were still so young only 21 and 19, such big decisions to make at such young ages. We donated her organs, so no-one else had to lose there mum and go through what we were going through. I know we done the right thing, but we weren't able to be there at the end, we never got to say goodbye properly that's just the way it is with organ donations. But i will never forget the machines, i will never forget how it looked like she was just sleeping and i will never forget how my little girl Chloe who was only two was shouting wake up nana and kissed her goodbye, it broke my heart. As did seeing my nana saying goodbye to her daughter and my little brother saying goodbye to his mum. 

Ten years ago today i thought i would never be happy again, that my life was over too. But life is far from over and i am happy and i know that my mum would want me to be. The first year was hard, it was unbelievable hard. Anniversary's, birthdays , mothers day , Christmas i dreaded them all. i cried every single day, i talked about her non stop i thought the grief and pain would never end. 

People would say it gets easier, i never believed them, but it does it really does. I think i learnt to accept shes not coming back , that sometimes life is just unfair. I learnt to deal with the grief so that it no longer consumed my every thought, i learnt to live again. I had to for Chloe's sake she was my little girl and she needed me, she was my reason for getting up in the mornings and my reason for making something of my life. 

Just because i have learnt to live without a mum doesn't mean i have forgotten her far from it, i think of her every single day and i miss her every single day. I still cry just not so often, although i do have tear in my eye writing this. Anniversary's are hard as it is another year without her, i hate how when i found out i was pregnant she wasn't there, when i gave birth she wasn't there, she never got to meet Sophia or Jacob or my brothers little girl or to see Chloe grow. She never got to see me or my brother grow and meet are partners and get proper jobs. I hate how when something important happens i want to tell my mum but can't or when i am having a rubbish day and all i want is my mum and i cant have her. I have my dad who is amazing and is like a mum and dad rolled into one at times but its not the same.

But i still remember her, i remember what she looked like and how small her hands were, i remember the laughter lines around her eyes, how she always wore make up no matter what. I remember her perfume and what she smelt like, i remember her voice and how she use to sing along to all her favourite songs in the car. I remember what she liked and didn't like and how she use to always eat midget gem sweets. I remember the amazing holidays we went on as children, all the times she looked after us when we were ill and comforted us when we were sad. And most of all i know how much she loved us me my brother and Chloe were her world she told us every single day and i know she knew how much we loved her. 

My mum may have died in a tragic accident but that's life, she still lives on  shes in are hearts always. I see her in my children,i hear her in there laughter, i see her in my dreams, a smell , a song , feathers in the breeze. Keeping people alive with her no longer needed organs, the gift of life. She will always be my mum. 

I don't want any sympathy for this post, it was ten years ago i have learnt to live with it and i am ok with it now. But i just wanted to write this to say if you have a mum then give her a cuddle tell her you love her and create lots of happy memories as memories are what helps me remember my mum with a smile. And if you have lost a parent it really does get easier and you will never ever forget them i promise you that. 


                                              "  Softly the leaves of memory fall, 
                                                 gently i gather and treasure them all. 
                                                Unseen, unheard, you are always near, 
                                                so loved, and missed, so very dear"    -Author Unknown.





13 comments:

  1. Such a brave post Lindsay and hugs. I remember your mam - she was the life and soul. I remember parties at your house when we were teenagers and she would turn a blind eye. Happy days:D xxxxx

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    1. Thanks Sam, i debated on pressing publish but what's the point in having a blog if i cant write what i want. Haha i remember those parties too , crazy to think they were 15 years ago! xx

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  2. Gosh, what an amazing, heartfelt post. Your mum would be so proud of you I'm sure. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what that must be like, having to deal with that at such a young age. Your mum sounds like an amazing lady too, and how amazing that she always remembered to tell you how much she loved you. Organ donation must have been a difficult decision, but I am on the donor register and I sincerely hope that when I go, somebody will be able to make use of my organs.xx

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    1. Thanks Natalie, i guess dealing with that at such a young age made me grow up and do something with my life i done a degree and got rid of a waste of space partner so i suppose every cloud has a silver lining. I make sure i always tell me children i love them non stop too and always kiss them goodnight as its something i treasure from my own childhood. It was a difficult decision in some ways but also an easy one as all the family agreed it was for the best, was a bit rubbish the BBC came in to try and film it though but i think that was a rare one off. I'm on the organ register too as after my mum died we got told who got her organs and she did save someones mum they wrote to us saying thank you, she also saved two children and a man and thats good xx

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  3. Such a truly heartfelt post. I'm so sorry for your loss, your mum sounds amazing. I'm sure she will be very proud of you. You made such a difficult decision at such a young age, it's unbelievable how much that decision will have helped other people, such is the wonder of organ donation. Sending lots of love & hugs xx

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    1. Thank you , she really was an amazing women i just wish my children could have had the chance to meet her xx

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  4. Oh Hun. This just had me in tears. There is nothing quite like your mum. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this at such a young age. Sending you a great big hug. You are so brave for writing this. She will always be in your heart. Big love gorgeous lady. Xxxx

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    1. Oh i am sorry Kat i never meant to make anyone cry. It is just life sometimes bad things happen and you have to deal with it the best we can but you are right she will always be in y heart xx

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  5. This is so relevant to me right now. The 22nd May marks 10 years since my mum passed away from Ovarian cancer. It never gets easier. To be honest I think it gets harder as I think about all the things my mum has missed out on such as seeing me marry and have children. Thinking of you. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

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    1. Aw i'm sorry i will be thinking of you, i always find the lead up to the day she died hard. I think i find it easier as i try not to think about it or her very much , which is probably the wrong thing to do. Missing out on my children is the thing that i find the hardest to deal with as they will never know who she is . Big hugs for next week xx

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  6. What a wonderful heartfelt post must of been very difficult to write and post thanks for linking to the Binkylinky

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  7. What a beautiful and heartfelt post must of been very difficult to write thanks for linking up to the Binkylinky

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    1. Thank you Nigel , i actually found it good writing it down as i normally don't talk about it . Thank's for hosting

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