It's 10pm at night and I really should be asleep as I am so exhausted lately and I have a busy day tomorrow as tomorrow is induction day! I will be exactly 39 week's pregnant and I can not believe that my pregnancy is almost over now. My bags are packed and all of baby's things are sorted, my birth plan is written out the house is tidy (well as tidy as it can be with a one-year-old who destroys everything in site) and childcare has been arranged for the girl's. But I am a bag of nerves, I have butterfly's in my tummy and feel sick with worry.
I just don't feel ready for the baby for some reason, I feel like my pregnancy has flown over so fast that I have not had the chance to enjoy it as fully as I should have. I am going to miss my bump and feeling baby's kicks. And I am worried about how I will cope with a tweenager starting high school, a newborn and fourteen-month-old. I know I will cope and I am just being silly worrying about silly things as lots of people have children close in age and manage just fine.
But what I am worried about the most is going into hospital, I have to be there for 11am so it is looking like the baby won't be born until late tomorrow night or sometime on Wednesday and I do not think I have the energy for a long labour. I am also so worried something will go wrong that baby will go into distress or that induction fails and I need a c-section or some kind of assisted delivery. I am also so worried about the baby, I know its perfectly normal for babies to born at 39 weeks and he is classed as full term but I am worrying if he will be o.k and worrying if the medication I have been taking will have affected him in any way.
I am also worried about the whole induction process which is crazy as I have been induced before and know what to expect, I had a really easy straightforward experience of induction with Chloe. I know after you have had a baby before they like to just break your waters to induce you but my baby has not even dropped down yet and is still very high up above my pelvis so this won't be possible due to the risk of cord prolapse. So I do not know how they will induce me, I am guessing with a pessary which I have heard can take a long time. I am also worried about the pain as my last birth was only just over a year ago so I vividly remember just how much having a baby hurts!
But mostly I am worried about being apart from my girls, I have never had a single night away from Sophia since she has been born, even when I had surgery in October I was home the same day. And I hate being apart from Chloe too as she is like me, a worrier and I hate not being there to make sure she is o.k. I know that the girls will be well looked after and have fun with the other half's mum and I know that Lee will probably be home with them if labour is taking ages.
I hope I am not in the hospital for day's as I am tired already due to not being able to get comfortable to sleep and just feeling so tired of late pregnancy. And there is no way I can rest on a maternity ward as it is noisy and I am such a homebody, I love my own bed and home comforts. I know that induction is what is best for me and baby but I wish that I was having a normal labour again as my experience of that was such a nice experience and I was in and out of hospital fairly quick. I am silly to worry as I know that me and baby will be closely monitored and well looked after and that my girls will be fine without me and probably won't even miss me. And I know that once my baby is placed in my arms all my worries will disappear and it will all be worth it. But right now on the eve of my induction, I am feeling so nervous and worried.